A PAST REVISITED
NEW BLOG POST
The following is something that I wrote for another ministry in 2008. This article may be vintage, with an AOL messenger cameo, but I pray it is still encouraging. We would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below. Do you struggle with homosexuality too? God bless you!
~Cynthia Beaudry
I struggle with homosexuality.
I struggle with the Church and its response to homosexuality and reactions toward homosexuals. I struggle watching some of my best friends wrestle silently for victory in this area. I struggle with how my gay loved ones are consumed with rejection. I struggle with it as I watch the media, see politics unfold, and observe how it is portrayed in Hollywood. I have struggled with the confusion in my own life as I was raised by two women. And though I do not have feelings of same-sex attractions I find myself struggling with homosexuality daily.
As a baby, my mother left me in the custody of my grandmother and her partner so that she could pursue her drug habit. My relationship with her grew tumultuous, especially after my father’s murder. As a very young child, I remember feeling that she had chosen a life of drugs over a relationship with me. When she did want to spend time with me it was only so that she could go through my jewelry box and look for things to steal so that she could support her habit. Sometimes she would want to be parental and pick me up from school. She would ask my grandmother for money so that she could take me out to eat afterward. All day I would wait in expectancy over the chance to spend special time with my mother. When the school bell rang I would wait eagerly. But as the noisy crowd of children and parents dissipated I would sit on the concrete steps of Mount Carmel Holy Rosary Elementary still waiting…and I was old enough to know that she wasn’t going to show. My grandmother would eventually come to get me, always with a look of frustration on her face. Despite experiences like those, I still desperately wanted a relationship with my mother who had no desire to have one with me. I felt powerless to get what I deeply desired.
Cynthia- 2009
Being raised by my grandmother and her partner meant I was being raised in the gay community. This meant that I was exposed to some women who looked like men and some men who resembled women. Gender roles were blurred. My grandmother’s relationship with her partner confused me. How come there were women in my life who seemed to love each other as a mommy and daddy did on TV? How come I had two women parents and none of my classmates did and why did I feel ashamed about this? Even though I didn’t experience attraction for the same sex, since all the women I knew were married to other women, did that mean I had to marry a woman one day too? If I didn’t, would my family disown me?
Feeling the rejection of a same-sex parent and the confusion of being raised in a homosexual home were just some of the feelings that I experienced growing up; but, probably the hardest thing for me was feeling estranged from God. The relationship that I had with my biological father was somewhat difficult and contributed to these feelings. He was young when I was born, and due to his involvement in gangs, I barely saw him. Our encounters were brief, yet my desire for a relationship with him was strong. Tragically, when I was four he was murdered and any opportunity that I had to know him vanished. In my young mind, the only person I could hold responsible for this loss was God. To me, I felt unloved, abandoned, and forgotten by God. He didn’t love me enough to give me a “normal” family.
Through a miraculous series of divine interventions, I became a Christian in 2000. And at that time I thought that dealing with homosexuality was a thing of the past. However, God had a different plan. So many believers that I knew were struggling with same-sex attractions in the Church but didn’t feel like they could tell anyone. Roommates, best friends, ministers, associates…the list just kept expanding. Because of my familiarity with homosexuality growing up, I was able to empathize in a deep and very natural way with them because of the wounds and the rejection I endured early and throughout my life. Through this God gave me supernatural boldness and love to encourage honesty and transparency in my relationships.
But it was about this time when the passions in my heart began to grow faint. I found myself wrestling with internal conflicts about homosexuality. I had seen God move mightily in so many areas but I began to ask: Can God work in the life of someone homosexual? God was bringing people into my life and I wanted to offer them hope. In an answer to prayer, God introduced me to Exodus International and brought an incredible woman into my life that had a beautiful transformation of new life in Christ. I was truly able to see God’s glorious power in and through her as she surrendered her life and sexuality to Jesus.
A few years ago, I prayed and asked God to reveal my specific calling and ministry. But it wasn’t until recently that He answered me. One evening after finding that several more of my close friends had come out as homosexual, I cried out in frustration: God, is everyone gay? It seemed that my life was surrounded by people who struggled. Then God responded to my heart: No. I could almost hear Him say it with a smile. This is just the ministry that I am calling you into.
These are the people that God wanted me to love and minister His grace to. My heart leaped within me. It was wonderful to have my prayer for purpose answered. And quickly, I realized that I was underequipped to live it out. I moved to Portland to intern at a ministry that was providing training and mentoring to those called to minister in the area of sexual wholeness. I was incredibly surprised that when I committed to helping others in this area, the more important goal of God was doing work of transformation in me. I expected to come and receive tools to put in my belt. I was quite shocked when God began to help me walk in sexual and relational wholeness.
“God does not use technicians, He uses human hearts.”
My mentor said profoundly, "God does not use technicians, He uses human hearts." I am not even halfway done with the training and I am already putting what I am learning into practice. I have already been ministering hope to the people I love. Last week, I was able to have a conversation with a dear friend of mine who struggles with same-sex attraction through an online chat:
ADDED 2022: I still struggle with homosexuality: To this day, I have family and friends who are still in the thick of this issue, and there are churches who are missing the mark in this area of ministry. I grieve over those who are abused, rejected, and confused, as well as the injustices that I see both within the church and in culture. Except now I wrestle through all of this with incredible hope. God’s power was enough to do an incredible work in my husband Brian, Drew Berryessa, and even me in 2008/2009.
Providing hope does not mean knowing all the answers. This hope involves believing that God is good and that He has our best interest at heart, at all times. And this hope does not disappoint.
Hope means that God shows Himself faithful through the healing that I never thought possible; and for myself first, so that I can administer this hope to others as a reality. My prayer is that all of us would allow God to engage us intimately with this hope, no matter where we are in our struggle with homosexuality.